It's kind of odd to feel like something's missing from your life especially if you know or you want it not to be the right time. It is an odd feeling because I've been feeling it for a while now but I have not idea what to do about it. I am very vague about it right now because I don't want to jinx myself. I know I'm not in the right place to start anyways. My situation limits me already and what if I randomly decide it's time to start? Can I make that compromise? What I do know right now is that I would like to finish what I've started and that I must be patient. <Sigh>

I'm close to wanting more in life...

Well, it's been a while since I posted anything. I was hoping writing in this may make me feel better, but I have this overwhelming feeling about a lot of stuff that I may not be able to actually put in words. Actually, now that I'm rethinking my feelings right now, I'm not sure if it's overwhelming or just frustration that there's so much I want to do and fix and I really just can't. I've been in another low point with my mood for a while and I just can't shake it. I think it's a combination of work, lack of sleep, frustrations with school, my relationship, my friendships, and my family. I can't find one happy moment and just hold onto it. Music normally always puts me back together, and I feel nothing. I feel like I am singing the words, but I'm not feeling anything. I'm hearing a beat, but my heart is disconnected. Even the short term enjoyment of shopping didn't work, and I spent way over any normal budget.

I've been denying a lot of stuff lately. Maybe it's because I feel like I have no one left to talk to or that we're all too self absorbed to really be there for one another. There have been days I wanted to cry, days I wanted to scream, and days I wanted to just break everything. But all I could do is just sit alone in my car, in my home, in my mind, and in my world. I really do feel alone, and I know I'm alienating a lot of stuff and people in my life. I just can't knock this and I feel like no one will understand. Shit, I don't even understand why I feel like this. Am I not praying hard enough? Is my heart so closed that He cannot hear me? Why am I being so destructive to my life?

I've had a lot of urges that kind of sparked my curiosity prior to this low mood point and while I thought about them and how those kinds of choices would impact my life, now I feel nothing for them. I don't know why I feel so low.

Taiko's been frustrating too. I'm not sure if I'm not really into it anymore, like I lost my cause. I could probably not be putting in enough effort in going to practice or opening my eyes. I definitely know that I have too much on my plate and the fact that I do not sleep enough is interfereing with my motivation/desire to go. Maybe I was being ignorant to the possibility that maybe I'm getting close to my stopping time. I've been like this for the last few years. I thought if I kept enough people around me who are interested in this, I could shared and learn with them and all will be well. Who am I kidding?

My relationship's also been suffering, and I believe it's my own undoing. I've been quiet with how I feel... no, I've been denying that I have problems or issues, so I don't voice those issues, and those issues just keep collecting. They're not big issues, but after a while, it collects up so much that it does become a bigger issue. To me, I think I'm just unhappy in a situation that I cannot control. All this time, I've been trying to control my emotions and urges and I think I controlled it too much to where I lost certain feelings that I believe are important to have. I'm not saying love or anything that major... but some emotions like patience, desire, hope. I unexpectantly decided to share my emotions with him, and it came off the wrong way. Or maybe the right way? I didn't have that conversation sorted out in my mind before I said anything and I came across as being unloving, unwilling, and a bitch. Maybe I've wanted more and didn't acknowledge it. How can he or I fix issues if I don't say what those issues are? I was hoping that maybe he would say something to me and he was hopeful and self-loathing at the same time. Did I use that right? I think I'm just too unhappy with myself and I ended up self projecting onto our relationship and I may have ended something good because I'm too self-absorbed with my feelings.... or lack of feeling.

I tried to reach out to one friend in order to replace another, and for some reason, the results were not the same. She couldn't bring me back to reality, she just gave me very open suggestions that didn't help me. She tried and honestly, I appreciate it, but I am partially tired of trying to reach out to people and feeling like I'm always trying to go the extra mile to get to them. Maybe I'm just not doing enough. I also reached out to an old friend/coworker and all I could think about is why he stopped talking to me. He did message me back, which was nice... briefly, but until I have time and energy to hang out for coffee or drinks, life will probably go back to what it has been these last 2 or 3 years. I also reached out to another old coworker who keeps getting redeployed everywhere in hopes that we can hang and I get messages back from him, but no effort to follow those words. And another old classmate who I found on FB, we spoke for a while, she wanted to meet up within those few weeks, I gave her my number, and she never called to let me know when she was free. I've sent messages on FB, left text messages, and even called to leave voicemail to people I thought were my friends, and I know if they don't answer, they'll call me back.... eventually.

My family's the same way too. All I am in annoyed and hesitant to talk to them because they're either too busy doing their own thing or something about the family divorce will come up. Fucking A! And I found out the other dipshit got married without settling things that should be settled with my mom. What an ass. I can't wrap my mind around the fact that he chose to cheat on her instead of dealing with his issues and feelings prior to jumping into another woman's pair of legs. He frustrates me the most because I don't understand why he did it and he left blaming us... blaming me, for his problems in order to justify what he did. Am I too damn blind to see what I did wrong in this situation? Am I really the reason why he chose to take that job overseas? Did I not call him enough to tell him that I missed my father? Was it not enough that I almost failed a quarter in school because I was too concerned trying to help him and his studies? He just stopped asking how I was doing and just kept asking for me to help him. He didn't even ask me how I did in my classes. He just stopped talking to me. Maybe I was too busy. Maybe I was too self-absorbed. People around me kept telling me that I was doing too many activities and helping others too much to help myself. I thought if I helped others, they may just stick around and say hi every once in a while, at least. My mom talks about the divorce all the time. People don't realize how frustrated I get when it comes up.... ALL THE TIME. My sister talks about boys, wanting to make money, and hating school. All that effort to get her into school seems so pointless. I hate the fact that these people come to me for help, to find ways to fix their problems and when I give them something to resolve it, they go back into their own little worlds and forget to call or maybe ask me how I'm doing.

Work... is work. I can't do anything about fixing it. I can't make it a more pleasant experience. I just have to force myself to be ignorantly happy and remind myself that at least I have a job to pay my bills. Besides the few times here and there where I actually went on a vacation or bought something as a splurge, I feel like all I do is work to pay bills or put gas in my car and I don't really get to enjoy my money in ways that I want to. I have to work and adjust budgets around for a while before I get fed up and tell myself that I want to spend my money on something that's not part of my daily necessities but only 20% of the time I actually do something about it.

Why is life so damn frustrating? I wanted to just be happy with what I have and in the end, I'm still unhappy. What the hell am I doing with my life? And why do I feel like I'm just doing all this alone?

damn.